AUTISM ~ How do I feel now




I feel hopeful.  I feel blessed.  I feel thankful.

A year ago I felt lost, overwhelmed, sad, angry, nervous, anxious and somewhat empty inside.  What do we do?  Where do we start?  How bad is it?  Is it really this bad?  Why our son?  I couldn’t look at Johnny’s baby pictures without crying.  I realized I was in mourning for the child I thought I had or the dreams that I had for him that I thought were now lost.  It was really hard to to talk about it to our family or friends because how you could talk about something you were still figuring out yourself and having trouble processing still?

My other half was amazing through this.  The diagnosis gave him the answer and confirmation he needed to move forward to help our son. He kept telling me “he will be okay…I just know it.”  I would look at him and think “how do you know?”  He would tell me “because he is still the same Johnny that he was before the appointment that he is now and he is our special sweet boy.   Some of the things that make Johnny special that we think are cute we now have a name for.  You know how he notices every little thing.” How can he be so resolute I would wonder?  As the months passed and we talked more I realized that he had some of the same sensitivities that Johnny had and he was able to understand him in ways that I had to learn even though he is not on the spectrum. He is okay so he knows that his son will be.

I feel hopeful because of all the amazing progress that Johnny has made.  He keeps surprising us.  He will always have Autism but Autism will not always have him anymore.  He is no longer the little boy who is more interested in seeing what happens when you shake the dust off the drapes and it goes flying in the air or you blow raspberries and the water droplets fly through the air. He now pays attention when people visit and wants to spend time with them.  He smiles in recognition when he sees his classmates and says “hi.”  He tries to have interactions with his classmates even if he is still trying so hard to say all the words he wants to say to them.  He is still our Curious George but he’s social like Curious George and then goes off and plays.

I feel blessed that I have met some beautiful people that have made a change in our son’s life and our lives and that we would have never met without this diagnosis.  They led me when I felt lost.  Reassured me when I needed it and told me that he will be okay.  You have a beautiful boy.  We are lucky to have him and thank you for sharing your son with us.  Your son is such a flirt.

I feel thankful because without people who are passionate about early chlldhood education where would our son be?  Thank you.

I feel thankful to the wonderful bloggers I have met who are opening up their souls, showing their fears and sharing their joys and challenges to help enable all of us to be brave on this journey with our children.

As my fellow blogger, Mom, and new friend says vaughanmom “LIVE IN HOPE.”  That’s where I live now.


5 Comments Add yours

  1. vaughanmom says:

    Your post made me smile and cry! I am so happy you have found yourself in such a good place right now. We all now this merry go round called Autism creates tremendous highs and lows for us. I hope to be where you are one day–hopefully soon! Thank you for inspiring me to keep on, keeping on! Together we will Live In Hope!


    1. Cyn says:

      Thank you 🙂 *hugs* Reading your blog and posts from other parents who are just beginning their journey I felt like I needed to be retrospective and then share where I am now. I still have “those days” where everything seems to go upside down but I think I’m starting to realize that I have to say to myself “tomorrow we’ll try again and tomorrow he’ll try to have a better day.” Easier said then done sometimes…

      I think its amazing how when I meet parents of children with Autism how instantly everyone understands and emphasizes with each other and is ready to listen and share. 🙂


      1. vaughanmom says:

        I feel the same way also! There is an instant connection there. You can feel totally at ease that the person you are talking to really does understand on some level what you are going through.


  2. Rachél says:

    Super YAY for hope! You must feel a superb relief in your spirit just being in that space. I love your story. Not because of how sweet Johnny is progressing, although that is a beautiful part of it, but because you and your hubby have framed your story with success. I am sure if Johnny was still watching for flying dust fairies you would still have found a way to choose hope. Seems you are just those kinds of people.


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