This is my second Father’s Day without my dear Dad. He lived with us right up until he passed away and not a day goes by that when I go upstairs I immediately see his old room and expect to see him there. I try and focus on the happy memories of him watching Johnny rolling around on his bed while Dad was trying to do his sudoko puzzles. I try very hard to block the images of him slowly, painfully, slipping away from us. I am haunted by the last days when he would be lost in his own thoughts and seeing people from his past and then suddenly without warning acknowledging me. I try and not remember that morning when I discovered that he had left our world and I now had to say goodbye…forever. I am still not ready to really think about that for long about time. Dad would want me to remember all the fun times. He would not want me to remember our truly real honest moment after the doctor in the emergency department delivered the unthinkable news that he had cancer and did not have long to live. I will never forget the look on his face, the desperate yearning to stay. His words to me, “That doesn’t sound good.” Then after a few moments he looked at me and said “I don’t want to die.” I don’t think anything in life prepares you for a loved one saying those words to you. I wanted to say “I don’t want you to die either” but that’s not what I said. I told him “I loved him and it was going to be okay.” I had to be strong for him because that is what he needed. That is what he always was for me.
Its been over a year and a half and now we are in the midst of renovating the room so that our son Johnny can have a bigger bedroom. My Dad would have wanted that because they were close and Johnny has asked for the room. Life does go on, colours change on the wall, and people come in and out of our lives. Last week our family in Bulgaria lost a Father/husband/friend to cancer. I want to say that time will make it easier but I think time helps you tuck the feelings away in a safe place for you to deal with on the day that you can. In the meantime you try and hold the happy memories close because that’s what our Dad’s would want.
Happy Father’s Day to all the Dad’s 🙂